As a parent, have you ever felt torn between feeling that you should push your kids toward higher levels of achievement, so that they can be successful in today’s world and feeling worried and concerned about the stress and anxiety that they are experiencing?  According to Peter Gray, Boston College psychology professor, many parents do.

In his Substack blog, Play Makes Us Human, Gray discusses socially prescribed perfectionism, a kind of perfectionism that is marked by a concern about what others think. Gray argues that the primary issue in socially prescribed perfectionism is the concern that others will think you are a failure.  The drive to achieve, then, comes not from satisfying one’s own expectations or aspirations but those of others. In addition to the stress caused by the drive to achieve ever more, this type of perfectionism is damaging to relationships as it causes individuals to hide their flaws, thereby hindering the development of honest and authentic relationships. And, indeed, one of the best antidotes to stress is the ability to engage in meaningful, genuine relationships.  Socially prescribed perfectionism, then, is at least a double, if not a triple, whammy!

Self-prescribed perfectionism, as distinguished from socially prescribed perfectionism, is describes situations in which high standards are internal and tied to self-esteem. To an extent, all of us are vulnerable to self-prescribed perfectionism, and it isn’t all bad!  Having high standards and finding meaning in striving for them can be motivating and gratifying. However, when high standards become unachievable ones, when one’s self-worth is wholly tied to meeting a standard one cannot meet, then the result may well be impaired self-esteem, doubt, depression and anxiety.  As children, we are motivated to do well in all ways to please our parents, whom we rely on for love and support.  In this way, self-prescribed perfectionism may be built into the human condition.

Indeed, when children stop trying, it is often a defensive maneuver to avoid the hurt that comes with failing to achieve. If I just don’t try, then it can’t be on me if I don’t succeed.  This is, then, a self-protective strategy.

Adults in children’s lives can support healthy self-prescribed perfectionism, or perhaps it is better to call it self-prescribed high standards and aspirations. We have to be careful, however, not to support socially subscribed perfectionism. Our children will find enough of that in the world. They need to know that the adults who love them love them for who they are, for themselves in their own right, not solely because of what they achieve.

In Gray’s words:

It may be a good thing to try to do well what you undertake in life, but not a good thing to peg your sense of self-worth on that or on others’ assessments of how you are doing.

Gray presents research findings that detail the harms of perfectionism, including “anxiety, depression, poor social relationships, and suicidal ideation.”  He also presents research showing that the harms from socially prescribed perfectionism are, indeed, growing. To read more about this research, check out Gray’s Substack blog here.